Today, a photo from five years ago came up on my Facebook Memories. Unfortunately, my first thought was a negative one. I didn't like how my nose looked in the photo. My second thought was God, I wish I was that thin, how much have I gained since chemo was over? Pesky menopause had started immediately back in February of that year. That bitch snuck up on me. All of the sudden, what I could eat now caused (what it seemed) weight gain everywhere. My hair was growing in, I could almost do a hairstyle with my new hair! My hormones were a mess, my skin had not looked this bad since I was fourteen. My moods were all over the place. Mentally, I needed more support than I was willing to admit. I was adjusting to menopause as a 40 year old who went through cancer three months before that picture was taken. As women, why are we are own worst critic?
Five years older, and more than five pounds later (a big FU to menopause), I feel better about myself. Physically, I have owned this "After Cancer Body". Some days are easier than others. Menopause still sucks-but I am wiser and stick to layered clothing. Fans and AC are my friends. I wonder how old my body must look on the inside. Mentally, I still worry about recurrence. I wouldn't say that that part gets easier, at least for me. Intrusive thoughts enter my mind daily. It's more of a low voice, rather than a booming voice in my ear: You should be exercising, don't eat that! It could cause cancer! If you eat anymore, you'll have to work our three times as hard as a normal 45 year old! I have been known to tell my spouse how tired he'd be if he were in my head.
That's enough for now, though. I have a hot flash to tend to. That cutie in the picture is my youngest at almost 4 years old.
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