It has been awhile! I have been feeling antsy. I don't share this to have anyone feel sorry for me. It feels good to share this part of my story. As someone who struggles with anxiety, I hope by my sharing, that even one person feels less alone. I have been worried about cancer recurrence lately. I threw my back out a week ago, and although it is much better now, any pain that I have, I fear that it is the C word. I start thinking these morbid thoughts, so this blogpost today may be a little much for some people.
I think about death every day. I wonder if I am normal for thinking this way. Do most cancer patients have PTSD and struggle with anxiety? My best educated guess is yes. I definitely don't WANT to die. I worry that I won't be alive for graduations, or marriages, and grandkids. Sometimes I talk about the future, and in the back of my mind it's like there is a voice that will whisper "hopefully I will be around for....". I get so mad at myself for thinking this way. I put this unrealistic pressure on myself to try and be present for everything with my kids. All that ends up happening is me being present, but not really, because I am reminding myself to pay attention! Or trying to remember and take in the moment which winds up with me not being able to enjoy it as much as I should be. It's exhausting.
I am not sure what caused this anxiety to creep in lately. I know that it will pass. I know that it helps me to write about it. Thank you for reading.
