Anxiety Lately

  It has been awhile! I have been feeling antsy. I don't share this to have anyone feel sorry for me.  It feels good to share this part of my story.  As someone who struggles with anxiety, I hope by my sharing, that even one person feels less alone.  I have been worried about cancer recurrence lately.  I threw my back out a week ago, and although it is much better now, any pain that I have, I fear that it is the C word.  I start thinking these morbid thoughts, so this blogpost today may be a little much for some people.  

I think about death every day.  I wonder if I am normal for thinking this way.  Do most cancer patients have PTSD and struggle with anxiety? My best educated guess is yes.    I definitely don't WANT to die.  I worry that I won't be alive for graduations, or marriages, and grandkids.  Sometimes I talk about the future, and in the back of my mind it's like there is a voice that will whisper "hopefully I will be around for....".  I get so mad at myself for thinking this way.  I put this unrealistic pressure on myself to try and be present for everything with my kids. All that ends up happening is me being present, but not really, because I am reminding myself to pay attention! Or trying to remember and take in the moment which winds up with me not being able to enjoy it as much as I should be.  It's exhausting.   

I am not sure what caused this anxiety to creep in lately.  I know that it will pass.  I know that it helps me to write about it.  Thank you for reading.